As a digital strategist, I buy ads in social media platforms every day. The money side of social media is the side I know best. I am also raising two children. Like any parent, I am reconciling a new truth: To grow up today is to grow up with screens. So, how do we approach this? And what has working in the inner guts of social media taught me about how platforms work—and what it means for kids? First, let’s refine the challenges:
What’s difficult with screens and social media is not just what they are, but what they replace.
Social media platforms succeed by keeping people on them. A kid, or an adult, is always going to have something attention-grabbing to look at on that little screen. The result: more time looking and less time doing. And that’s one of the biggest challenges right there; less time playing with peers, less time playing alone, and less time outside interacting with the real world and all its promises and lessons.
Social media is really good at creating “social proof.”
Or, in other words, it gives people the sense of belonging to a group—and “belonging” is a core human need. But the opposite is also true: The wrong kind of reaction can give kids the sense that they don’t belong. And that can be devastating.
With that in mind, here’s how I’ve approached social media and device use with my own kids:
1. Set time limits.
My kids have strict, automated limits on both their devices and the platforms they use. You will definitely hear, “But there’s nothing to do.” Heck, you’ve said that yourself. But real life is not in an entertainment contest with a phone. Kids need time to develop social skills. That’s why our entire family has a 90-minute, no device period every night. And to be honest, it’s not always a laughter-filled evening. We are not putting them away to have even more fun! We are putting them away because casual moments will never happen if you must outcompete the very best Meta has to offer.
2. Delay device acquisition.
This one is tricky, because part of device use is communication and kids, like adults, communicate by text. We allowed texting before we allowed scrolling (and until my daughter turned 18, she never had unlimited scrolling access). We also delayed or never acquired other kinds of technology, including gaming systems. The dopamine hits of social media are the same ones that keep kids coming back to games, and brains need time without tech-acquired dopamine. You can get it in the woods, too!
3. Don’t text your kids at school.
This is basic, but something a lot of adults don’t think about. Though we live in a world where you can let a text sit until you have a moment to answer it, your kids still see you as authority figures, and they will answer your text. Or they will feel like they should. Just hold that thought until the end of the school day!
4. Create kid-only social media accounts or make accounts that are private.
This will prevent your kids from getting an endless stream of praise (or hate) on social media. The new Meta teen Instagram accounts have this feature built in.
5. Don’t live in constant fear.
I’m not saying social media is a many-splendored paradise, but it is the native platform of this generation. They know it the way we knew television—and their understanding of poor content is much more nuanced and natural than it is for us. The term “brain rot” came from Gen Z/Gen Alpha. They made it up to describe the chaotic nonsense they experience online because they know exactly what it is!
6. Lean into the good.
It’s okay to name it when you see it. Social media platforms can be funny. They can be unifying. They can be lighthearted and sweet. They can be educational. They can be a force for good—and it’s okay to notice and call out those good parts of social platforms.
